Thanks for visiting our Penis Jokes section. Let's face it, the penis gets a lot of publicity and although they're pretty important to us, most guys will admit that we probably take them a little too seriously most of the time. We're constantly worrying about their size, length, girth, hardness, softness, which way they point, are they curved, do they perform well, what does she think of it - and the list goes on and on. So we decided to add some levity to all this "penis anxiety" with some nice penis jokes to give us all a laugh and keep it all in perspective.
If you have a humorous penis joke or photo you'd like to add, simply send us your joke and we'll add it to our penis jokes page. (Let's keep it relatively clean, though!). We hope you find these penis jokes humorous and they add a little smile to your day. Enjoy!
A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis". The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
One day, while relieving himself in the employee restroom, Carl could not help but notice the unusually long penis on the black man in the adjoining urinal. "How do you guys do that?" asked Carl. "I mean, get such long dicks?" "Well," replied the black man, "when having sex, just push it in slow and pull it out quick. That exercises it." After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife. That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked, "Well dear, did you notice anything different about me?" "Yeah," said the wife. "You screw like a black man!"
The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis." The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "No!" "Then you're not old enough.", said the grandfather. A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again the grandson replied, "No!" "Well you're not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather. About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home. On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn't win anything, The grandson scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?" The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa looked at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!" "Good, then go f**k yourself!", said the grandson.
Nina and Rosie were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch. Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was. Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big I just can't take it." Nina replied, "I know, I know."
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
A girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses." When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead. "Hello," the mechanic answers. "Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks. The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches." "Oh, is that a record?" she says. "No," he says, "but it's better than average."
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking. The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad." The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza." The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up."
Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex. They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream. The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours." The second friend says, "That's nothing, I started licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half an hour after that." The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she's still screaming."
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could the bad news possibly be?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
3 men walk into a bar. After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them. The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches. The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches. Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick. The bartender says "Ok, that's 12 inches you can go". As they're walking away the first guy says to the third, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there."
One day a guy noticed that he had a red ring around his penis. So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, "If it doesn't work come back again tomorrow". The guy went back to the doctor and said "The cream you gave me didn't work"! So the doctor gave him a different cream and said "If that doesn't work come back again tomorrow". So the next day the guy cam back and said "This stuff you gave doesn't work either". So the doctor gave him some more cream and said "If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow". The next day the guy came back and said "The cream you gave me worked what was it?" So the
doc said, "Nothing special... It was just lip-stick remover".
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder they get
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones
Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
So men can be open minded.
They've got a new birth control pill for men now. I think that's fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
Why does a man have a hole in the end of his penis?
To get oxygen to his brain!
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
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